Jack Facts

In honor of tonight's season premiere of "24", here's a collection of things you need to know about Jack Bauer:**

• If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
• Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.
• Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
• 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
• If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you, well amigo, you are in a heap of trouble.
• Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
• Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
• As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”
• While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.
• Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
• Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
• Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
• When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
• Guns don’t kill people. Jack Bauer kills people.
• Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.
• Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
• When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
• You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
• Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
• When the bogey man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
• People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
• Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

**Full disclosure: I didn't write these myself...I've just collected them from various sources over the years.